Is it because...

We went to the beach on Saturday.

I'm not sure exactly why I think this post should start that way, but I just do.  So, we finally got to the beach on Saturday.  It was a beautiful beach!  I really didn't expect it to be so nice - I have high beach expectations now after living in Oregon.  We strolled up and down watching dolphin fins pop up across the water and pelicans dive bombing face-first into the waves.  Paul caught a ghost crab and Hadrian gently - gently! - reached out one little finger to touch its shell.  People were flying kites, collecting shells...  

And we stood there looking across the water when Paul said, "Heidi, you know what?  You're going to be great here.  You will find whatever you'd love to do and it's all going to work out.  And most importantly, I want you to be happy.  We're going to be okay."

And then I said, "Paul?  They offered me the job..."

And promptly started bawling my eyes out.

(which made it hard to explain myself when I had to admit that I'd known for a full day before even telling him)

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I'm going to accept the job, you know.  That's what I knew was going to happen less than five minutes after getting the phone call.  

But what I haven't been able to figure out is why, exactly.  

Is it just because I have a very, very strong need to feel secure - financially, mostly, if I'm honest.  (YES!)

Is it because I have a super hard time saying no to new-opportunities/sure-things?  (Yep!)

Is it because I want to hang out with a bunch of other adults?  (I'm going to guess this is a no?  I mean, it's not that I don't think it would be nice sometimes, just that I've become a little agoraphobic and that, combined with my introversion, kind of makes it sound a little bit stressful.)  

Is it because I want to make good on a promise I made to Paul eight years ago - that I wanted him to live a life knowing that, if he ever really wanted it, he could stay at home just like I could stay at home?  (yes, probably).  

Is it because I am afraid of becoming irrelevant in the field - like a teacher, nurse, or lawyer that lets their license lapse?  (yes, definitely).  

Is it because I want "A Career"?  (No-Yes?  Half of the month it's yes.  Half of the month I couldn't care less.)  

Is it because I want to build a professional network to perhaps help me build up a possible work-from-home consultancy in the future?  (Yes.)  

Is it because I want to have a managerial position as the head of a new sub-department? (NO!  NO NO NO!  This sounds terrifying!)  

Is it because I dislike being a Stay-At-Home-Mom and feel like it's draining and depressing and lonely?  (NO!  NOT AT ALL!  NOT EVEN ONE TINY, TINY BIT!  I cannot stress this enough!  I never, never, never want anyone to ever think that.  I really like it, actually.  I get to hang out with a chill kid and we can do whatever we want all day long.  Hadrian is the coolest buddy and we have a good thing together.  I feel like I really matter - at least to one little person - and that I'm doing something valuable and worthwhile every day.)

Is it because I want to have a clear identity that is "Heidi" along with being "Mom"  (Yes.  Right now, I don't care about that as much.  But I honestly think that if you give it a year or two, I'll really want that.)

Is it because I really like doing exactly the kind of work this job is offering?  (YES!)

Is it because we need two more-or-less living wages in one family?  (Nope!  Only need one.  Well, one and then maybe a liiiiittle bit extra on the side.  But the fact is that this job is, to my utter surprise, a real, living wage.)

Is it because having two living wages would make worrying about money pretty minimal and provide a really secure back-up if one of us can't work all of the sudden?  (YES!)

Is it because this means Paul doesn't have to work overtime to make a living wage and can spend more time at home?  (YES YES YES!)

Is it because we went to see a daycare that I now like to call The Danish Daycare?  (Maybe not the reason, but definitely a huge relief.)

Is it because I want to "stick it to the man"?  (Nnnno?  I'm not the kind of person that goes around really wanting to openly stick it to the man.  I want other people to stick it to the man and let me just live my life in peace and quiet with minimal nonsense bothering my little family - armchair activist, sigh.  I thought that if I ever had to make a decision like this, a big motivation would be something like, "Be someone who breaks the mold!  Lean in!  Etc." but honestly...I really don't care a lick about that right now, in this real-life situation.)

Is it because I remembered that I wrote this almost one year ago? (Yep.  Though I feel like a lot of things have happened since then that were kind of giant game-changers.)

Is it because I reminded myself that, as opposed to what my first impression was, actually the majority of all the roommates I ever had at BYU still work even after having kids, and I can see the full spectrum: from the stay-at-home-moms to the part-time nurses/professors to the getting-their-phds to the full-time social workers to the full-time civil engineers with stay-at-home-dad.  We've got it all.  This choice isn't some crazy rebellion that I'm going to get banished for.    (Yep.)

Is it because, if I don't try, I'll live my life wondering what it would have been like if I did?  (ABSOLUTELY.)

Is it because I know that I can always come back?  That this isn't permanent?  That I have choices?  That this, in fact, gives me a choice to make in the first place?  (yes.)

Yes.  

All of those things have been bouncing around my head all weekend.  Allllllll weekend.

And in the end, it comes down to this - I think that sometimes I may be thinking too much...  But, if I'm going to think too much about anything, this seems like a good time.  

Just...holy crud...I never want to be a stereotype.  Or someone's cause.  Or someone's martyr.  Or someone's symbol of x.  

I just want to live my little life in as big a way as I can stand it.  And keep my family happy and safe.  And sometime, maybe, go see the pyramids at Chichen Itza if I can swing it.