I completely agree with Gretchen Rubin in her new book Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives when she points out that knowing ourselves is one of the key factors in making and keeping new habits. Therefore, as I begin this project, I thought it would be good to line out my "habit personality" and try to identify some strengths and weaknesses to keep an eye on as things get under way. It's definitely not a conventional blog author introduction, but for my purposes here for Starting Right this month, it will be the most helpful.
Using Rubin's rubric (couldn't help myself with that alliteration there...), here is how I identify within her Four Tendencies and some things to keep in mind moving forward.
The other three were a bit more tricky. I can say that until I was about 23 years old, I was a solid Upholder, just like my textbook-Upholder Dad. I was the kid who woke up at 6:30am every Saturday to white-glove-clean her room, just because I wanted to and one of my chores was, well, "Clean my room". I was the teen who grounded herself to doing Calculus homework at lunch if I didn't have time to do it the night before...even though I was the only student in the self-paced course.
However, since I hit my mid-twenties, I believe I've drifted more towards being a Questioner - I am much less likely to do something only because it is "expected" of me by external obligations, unless I am personally, internally, convinced that it is also a good idea. One example of this is the fact that I did not take my husband's last name, even though I faced a great deal of pressure from my family and from my sub-culture to do so. I could not see the reason in it other than that it was what the majority expected, but saw a lot of reason, personally, for keeping my name. And therefore, I kept it.
Another example could be the frustration I felt in my previous job where I was often asked to spend a great deal of time on projects that I knew would never be read or referenced in the future. Even though I faced a lot of external obligation (it being my job, after all), I found myself actively resisting the work on these projects because I could not find a good reason, internally, for them to even exist. However, one day I noticed that our internal servers needed some file organization and, after clearing it with my supervisor, spent eight straight hours without a break doing that work because it was obvious that it was needed and would be useful.
Perhaps an amusing bit of evidence that I am a Questioner could also be the fact that whenever my mother mentioned or teased or prodded me about having a baby so she could become a grandmother, I felt that, suddenly, having a baby was impossible because she had created an external obligation completely inconsiderate of my individual feelings. I felt that if I did become pregnant after one of these discussions, then my mother would assume that she had influenced my decision - and I just couldn't stand the idea of such a huge life-changing choice being claimed by anything external to my husband and I. However, once we decided ourselves that it was a good time to have a child, then it was gung-ho - I bought a pack of ovulation predictor strips and never looked back.
As a final bit of Questioner evidence, when I first wanted to run a half-marathon, I read through a pile of books about how to be successful at training. Every single one encouraged introducing strong external obligations: joining a running club, signing up for the race with family, having a friend waiting on the sidewalk every morning to go jogging... I tried to train for a half-marathon three times, but would inevitably sabotage myself because I hated the feeling of being externally obligated on particular days of the week or times of the day....when internally I knew that those methods of encouragement were more stressful than helpful for me. I felt obligated to try them, but they failed because they made me feel over-obligated to something anti-me. It wasn't until I allowed myself to train completely on my own terms, without even telling my family and most friends about my plan until after I had completed the race, that I succeeded in my goal.
Thinking about all these, I suspect that I'm a relatively solid Questioner type - suspicious of too much external pressure and confident and reliable with any decisions I feel I've made on my own with good research and long hours of consideration.
So, what does this mean for this project?
Well, it means that, for it to be successful, I need to put a good deal of focus into Research Week every month and carefully choose goals that I am personally convinced are rational, productive, and realistic.
It also (strangely, for a blog) means that it would probably be better for me if I did not publicize my project to most family or friends from the outset, since that could contribute to me feeling obligated to do work only for the sake of their expectations rather than for what is best for me and my family. Perhaps, once my system and pattern are well established and I feel I truly own it, then that may change. But for the present, this will be work only for myself and the occasional, anonymous passing stranger.
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