Last night, for whatever reason - the fact I stayed up a bit later than usual, that Paul was leaving for work the next day, that I realized it was the end of August, something - I just got hit with a nasty boatload of ennui. And it wasn't fair at all, looking at it now in the bright morning as I sit out on our little balcony enjoying a perfect 75 degrees. But, then again, it was what it was. It came from somewhere. So I guess that is fair. I shouldn't go around saying that every negative emotion I ever have is irrational because that's just not true. That isn't fair.
Anyway. Back on track here. Trying to pin it down, I do think that a big part of it was Paul mentioning that August was ending and I realized that not only was August ending but September was beginning. And then September would end and October would begin. And then October would end and November would begin! And on and on and on and on for farther in the distance than I could see, it would always be the same now. We're here now. Paul's settled into a job that, with each passing day, he declares is his one true job. And we're not going anywhere. No more big crossroads or transitions or culture shocks or completely irresponsible adventures. No more worried late nights wondering, "What will we do now?" You'd think I'd be happy about that last one, but I found myself almost crying over it. No more crises mean no more Experiences (with a capital E). No more crises mean ennui.
The thing is I get bored, I guess. And the thing is, I was just waiting for this feeling to hit me. It always always always does about two months into a new place when the sharp newness of it all is gone; it's familiar, you aren't a special new arrival anymore. You and your home have become suddenly ordinary.
Gross. I hate feeling ordinary.
And I just have to say thank everything for this project I cooked up way back in Austria, way back in June. Because I could sit there in my ordinary boringness last night and at least think, "Well, you have a meeting at Skidaway with the lead researcher next month." or "Good thing you signed up for that weekly baby playgroup already!" or "Time to get cracking on your Arc Python scripting course" or "At least you don't have to see an ugly wall of boxes every time you go into Hade's room now!"
I honestly think it was those things that made it so I didn't get the ennui smackdown earlier on and when I did, I could go to sleep on it instead of letting it keep me up until 4am in a life crisis panic.
I guess then the trick then is to keep from feeling ordinary. Which, I'm finding, takes some effort when your days are mostly occupied with childcare which, though often really great, is definitely one of the more repetitive vocations out there. And when there is no difference in your mind between what Monday and what Thursday mean, well...for me at least, that's a recipe for the ennui smackdown too.
And with that, I guess we go now into the next month in my continued quest to become, no, to remain extraordinary. (It's not that hard. I mean, you just have to avoid being ordinary which, by definition is just the average. Just avoid being average! But don't be under-average.... Right)
Announcing the new theme tomorrow (if I find time to blog. Tuesdays are, afterall, the day for that baby play group).
Anyway. Back on track here. Trying to pin it down, I do think that a big part of it was Paul mentioning that August was ending and I realized that not only was August ending but September was beginning. And then September would end and October would begin. And then October would end and November would begin! And on and on and on and on for farther in the distance than I could see, it would always be the same now. We're here now. Paul's settled into a job that, with each passing day, he declares is his one true job. And we're not going anywhere. No more big crossroads or transitions or culture shocks or completely irresponsible adventures. No more worried late nights wondering, "What will we do now?" You'd think I'd be happy about that last one, but I found myself almost crying over it. No more crises mean no more Experiences (with a capital E). No more crises mean ennui.
The thing is I get bored, I guess. And the thing is, I was just waiting for this feeling to hit me. It always always always does about two months into a new place when the sharp newness of it all is gone; it's familiar, you aren't a special new arrival anymore. You and your home have become suddenly ordinary.
Gross. I hate feeling ordinary.
And I just have to say thank everything for this project I cooked up way back in Austria, way back in June. Because I could sit there in my ordinary boringness last night and at least think, "Well, you have a meeting at Skidaway with the lead researcher next month." or "Good thing you signed up for that weekly baby playgroup already!" or "Time to get cracking on your Arc Python scripting course" or "At least you don't have to see an ugly wall of boxes every time you go into Hade's room now!"
I honestly think it was those things that made it so I didn't get the ennui smackdown earlier on and when I did, I could go to sleep on it instead of letting it keep me up until 4am in a life crisis panic.
I guess then the trick then is to keep from feeling ordinary. Which, I'm finding, takes some effort when your days are mostly occupied with childcare which, though often really great, is definitely one of the more repetitive vocations out there. And when there is no difference in your mind between what Monday and what Thursday mean, well...for me at least, that's a recipe for the ennui smackdown too.
And with that, I guess we go now into the next month in my continued quest to become, no, to remain extraordinary. (It's not that hard. I mean, you just have to avoid being ordinary which, by definition is just the average. Just avoid being average! But don't be under-average.... Right)
Announcing the new theme tomorrow (if I find time to blog. Tuesdays are, afterall, the day for that baby play group).
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